Nice to Meet You

I realized that I haven't updated in months. This little one is only pre-natally 18 weeks old and already missing out on some of the things that I did for Rishi. I am going to try. . .

Week: 18
Weight: 124
Belly:
Next appointment: August 19 (the 20-week Level II ultrasound)

Almost 1/2 way already? That went by so fast!

Let's talk about some of the things that have been going on with this pregnancy. First, many people have asked if it was planned. RC and I have always thought that we only wanted one biological child. After Rishi was born and seeing that post-partum wasn't as awful as everyone said it was going to be (quite the opposite really), we thought one more would be fun. We didn't want to wait too long because in case I couldn't get pregnant again, we wanted to start the ball rolling in the adoption process quickly. I thought we could start trying again in the summer and have another summer baby. But we've accelerated the schedule by 6 months and that's just fine with us.

Another thing that everyone has been asking is if I hope it's a boy or a girl. We have six nephews and one son. I know the aunts and grandparents really want a girl, but from the get go, I thought it would be fun to have a boy. With Rishi, I always had dreams that he was a boy. I have had many dreams that QT is a boy too - with a few girl dreams here and there. Will I be excited if it's a girl - of course! Will I be thrilled if it's a boy - certainly! The only thing that I am hoping for is a smooth pregnancy experience, 1 trip to L&D, and a healthy baby in the end. Boy or girl - this baby is a gift just like Rishi.

Already this pregnancy is much more smooth than #1 in many ways. The morning (all-day) sickness is not bad. Rishi is a good distraction from all the fatigue that comes with first trimester. I also know what's what when it comes to the aches, pains, and other weirdness that happens with pregnancy so I don't feel like I have to bother Didi or my OB every two seconds. Also, I have transferred my care to a different OB and she isn't as worried about the fibroids or ITP that were such a source of concern with #1.

We have opted NOT to get genetic testing done this time. With #1, I was really torn up about getting genetic testing done. It made me very uncomfortable. RC and I both decided that no matter what the tests would say, we would still love and care for this baby. We are delivering at Prentice Hospital with a great NICU staff so if something is wrong with this baby, then s/he will have the best people with great resources. I would rather just tra-la-la through this pregnancy than to sit up at night thinking about what is waiting for me at the end of the gestation.

One thing that really surprised me with this pregnancy vs. #1 was the horrible moods that I have been. Those who follow the blog know that I have had depression since I was young but I was the complete opposite of depressed at the end of my pregnancy and post-partum. Even when I was back to work and still nursing twice at night, instead of looking at it as a chore, I relished one more moment with Rishi. For the past few months, the exhaustion and hormones have made my emptiness come back in a hurry. At the end of the day, I often lay in bed at night finding no joy in anything in my life. Then, Rishi's smile fills my mind and I feel guilty for feeling that way which just ends in this horrible spiral of thoughts. I am not sure how to get over this in a healthy and productive way but I am trying. RC has been a champ through all of this. I know that I have taken my frustration out on him repeatedly but he has mananged to still keep loving me and hugging me when I am at my craziest. How he does this - I do not know. But as Che always tells me, "Fake it unti you make it." And that's what I have been trying to do.

I have felt terrbily guilty for blaming this baby for my moods and then - a shift last night. RC was out with some friends and I couldn't sleep. I was feeling in one of my more vacant moods. Black. I started to think about QT and his names. We have decided to keep names a secret this time (Side Note: if someone tells you a name that they are thinking about naming their baby, the only good response is "that's a nice name." the parent-to-be doesn't want to hear about how you knew someone named that and they broke your college roommate's heart.), but like last time, we have managed to find a girl name right away and are again stuck on boy names. I dreamily thought of what I would call this potential little-man and then for the first time, a swift kick right where my hand was laying on my stomach. I continued thinking and then a few more kicks. Was QT saying that he's a boy after all? I am not sure, but the blackness that was filling my body became bright again. I smiled genuinely for the first time in a week probably.

Can't wait to meet you little QT. We're going to have a blast.