He's so cute, I just want to take him home!!

Thursday night, July 24, I went for a haircut and strolled over to my friends' house to hang out before heading over to Didi's place for some QT with the Rotis. The older Rotis had mentioned that things were going to change dramatically when the baby came so they wanted some Mamu/Mami-love before that happened. We were happy to oblige. When I left their house that night at 11:30, I was convinced that I still was not going to be holding a baby until the following weekend.

Boy was I wrong!

I woke up on Friday morning feeling like (forgive the TMI) that I had peed but I knew I hadn't. I just thought it was one of those late-in-the-pregnancy things so I told myself I would just talk to my doctor about it during my 10 am appointment that day. I was NOT going to call her and make my 5th trip to Labor and Delivery to be sent home again. As I walked out of my apartment that morning, I locked the door thinking, "Wow. The next time I open this door, I might be a mom already!"

I went to the appointment and my doctor indeed confirmed that my water had ruptured (but not fully broke) and she told me that I needed to be admitted to the hospital to be induced. I walked to my sister's office to tell her that I wouldn't be needing her help with an Excel spreadsheet but I would need her help to push and she just started jumping up and down. Usually, it's the other way around but this time, I was the calm one and she couldn't stop squirming. Then we walked over to Didi's office (all on the NMH campus) and told her. Her reaction was priceless - she was just in complete disbelief. My sister accompanied me to the Women's Hospital and we checked in at around noon.

The induction started at 3 pm. No internal exam was conducted because they didn't want to introduce anything to the birth canal until we were sure of active labor. My blood was collected to check my platelets but the blood got lost in the tube system so at 4 they had to draw blood again. We didn't get the results of the second platelet check until later that evening. We were all holding our breath to see if I could get an epidural. Well, I wasn't holding my breath. I was breathing pretty heavy as the contractions started to come in harder. We were also trying to wait for Mom to arrive but she didn't arrive until 7 pm. I finally got the epidural around 8 pm and the doctor said that nothing was going to happen until 3 am at the earliest. We decided now would be the time to sleep but the challenge was getting all the women (Mom, Amma, Didi, and Che) to go home and get some sleep too. I think they wanted to camp out all night at the hospital but that just didn't make any sense. We asked our sweet nurse, Kristy, to be the bad guy and she got it done! Unfortunately, Mom and Amma just kept Didi up all night at home instead of at the hospital.

At 3 am, the doctor told us that the pushing would start soon so we got everyone back there. We pushed and pushed from 4:30 until about 7:45 am. It was hard but that epidural is truly a miracle - I hardly felt anything. Unfortunately, RRC's heartrate kept dropping during/after each contraction. The doctor was a little worried and so she suggested if it continued to happen a C-section might be the best option. I told her whatever was medically necessary to keep everyone safe was fine by us. But his heartrate continued to drop and then it was decided at 7:45 that we would for a C-section. Again, not an emergency. Then, all the sudden some one said the words, "We have a crash." Now, I am not in the medical field but I have watched enough episodes of House to know that is a bad thing. The peaceful L&D room was flooded with 10 medical professionals within a few minutes - to me it seemed chaotic but they all had their jobs and purpose. I was terrified that they were going to put me under general anesthesia and I yelled out to RC that I loved him as they wheeled me to the OR. I could hear the panic in his voice as he told me that he loved me back.

In the OR, I was further doped up which made me horribly ill on the table. It was disgusting because they have to strap you down and I ended up almost choking on the sickness in my throat. The urgency of activity in the room continued and with it, my anxiety continued to escalate. Rohit was scrubbed in and even though all I could see were his eyes, the fear was clear and I knew that he had been crying outside. They had me opened up in minutes and the doctor annouced, "It's a boy!!" We were relieved when we heard his scream. Rohit was unable to cut his cord because he was rushed to the NICU doctors but they delivered the good news that his APGAR scores were 8 & 9.

We headed to recovery and he was scrubbed and Rohit finally made it outside to tell everyone that both Rishi and I were okay. I was almost completely unconcious as I made my way up to the Mother/Baby floor. It took me most of the day to come out of my anesthesia fog. Fortunately, Brutus was there to keep an eye on Rishi (picture above).

We had loads of visitors at the hospital over the weekend and it was absolutely fabulous to see Rishi get showered with so much love from so many friends and family.

We came home on Tuesday and the ups and downs of the first week home have been interesting. Our first night at home was something out of a sitcom. We couldn't figure out how to console him or get him to sleep in his bassinet. We tried everything and at around 4 am, I just started to laugh because just how much we fit the stereotype. We have struggled with the awfulness of learning how to breastfeed. If you want details, email me and I'll be happy to share. Last night, I think RC finally got some sleep because we decided to use a bassinet that actually goes in the bed. It was a night without much screaming and that was a relief to everyone. Then today, Rishi had his first doctor's appointment. He has lost 6 oz of his birth weight so now we have to try to pack on that weight over the next seven days. Unfortunately, he is a sleeeeeepy baby and we have to wake him up for his feeding most times. But I determined to avoid formula.

Well, that's our week so far. I have been trying to return phone calls and emails when I can but the every two to three hour feeding schedule has me tied up quite a bit so apologize to all those that I haven't returned their contact. It will happen sometime, I promise! More pictures coming to RC's Flickr soon!

Our colony now has three!

DSC_0060
Originally uploaded by snapshot chandra

more pictures after the jump.
We are doing well and expect to be heading back to uptown tomorrow morning! Can't wait to take Rishi Rajendran Chandra home tomorrow!
He's perfect!

In the past 39 weeks. . .

With a week to go until our due date, I decided to compile a retrospective on the past few months.

Day that I thought I was preggo:
November 22 (Thanksgiving)

Day that it was confirmed by home test:
November 23

When we told our families:
November 25

First time we saw a heartbeat: December 5

Appointments since then:
OB appointments - 17
Hematology appointments - 6
Other - 2 (1-genetic counseling; 1-anesthesiology consult)
Blood draws - 22
Ultrasounds - 6

Trips to Labor and Delivery with no labor or delivery:
March 30
May 26
June 14
July 9

Approximate amount given to to NMH parking: $234

Platelet counts
Highest - 120,000 (December 5)
Lowest - 65,000 (sometime in April)

Cities visited (outside of IL):
St. Louis, MO
Atlanta, GA (RR)
Cincinnati, OH
Oxford, OH
Madison, WI
Kettle Moraine, WI (RC)
San Antonio, TX
Austin, TX

# of weddings attended: 2

Baby Showers:
May 10 in Ohio
June 21 in Chicago

Movies seen:
Enchanted (Theater)
Wall-E (Theater)
Becoming Jane (Apple TV rental)
Rescue Dawn (rental)
The Dark Knight (theater)
The Incredible Hulk (RC - theater)
Wanted (theater)
I Am Legend (library rental)
Charlie Wilson's War (library rental)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (theater)
Juno (theater)
P.S. I Love You (RR - theater)
(there might be others but I can't remember anymore)

Gadgetry purchased:
Canon HD camcorder (gifted from Didi and Jijaji)
Catchlight
many many many SD cards
the Fiddy (50" LCD from Costco)
2 iPhones

Knitting projects completed:
hat
Anya's baby blanket (finally - it only took a year!)

Baby's movements felt by:
RR - early March (but I thought it was indigestion)
RC - March 13

Names considered:
Boy Names
Keshav (curly - Krishna)
Madhav (Krishna)
Udaya (sunrise)
Vinayak (Ganesh)
Rishi (sage)
Ayaan
Raman (god of love)

Girl Names
Alka (lock of curly hair)
Radha (Krishna's consort)
Satyavati (speaks the truth)
Savita (sun)
Saroj (lotus)
Revathi (star sign - wealth/prosperity)
Tara (star)
Suparna (lotus)

almost there!

We decided take another pickture of Ranj and the baby this afternoon. I'm spelling it like that cuz it's fun.
She's at 38.5 weeks!
i think the lighting is probably at it's best now. I'm now on disc 3 of the strobist DVDs.

Random thoughts

Week: 39
Weight: 150
Belly: 42
Next appointment: July 25



I went out to lunch with RC last Saturday. We have been eating out non-stop knowing that pretty soon, going out to restaurants maybe a difficult endeavor. The waitress at the restaurant asked me how I wanted my burger cooked. I replied, with a sigh,"Well to medium-well" but then I perked up because I realized one fantastic fact: in a matter of weeks, not months, I will be able to enjoy a medium-rare steak or sushi if I want to. And believe me, I want both of these things so badly, I am drooling just thinking of it. (cute picture, I know). These past few months really have flown by in a sense. I know I have done nothing but complain on this blog but it truly has been a roller-coaster of an experience. I started to re-read some of the posts from the beginning of the pregnancy and look at the belly pictures of when I finally started to show - how hilarious to think that I thought that was big! There were days when I couldn't stand to be pregnant for a second longer and other days where I couldn't believe my luck in having this opportunity. Now that I am at the end of it, which one do I agree with more? Uhh, both! The sacrifices that a woman has to make to create a life are many but the privilege that a woman is given by nature to create a life is tremendous.

Anyway, I had another doctor's appointment today. I officially crossed over the 150 mark which is now just amusing to me, that is, until I climb the stairs of my third-floor walk up. Dr. D said that everything seems to be just fine but that there is absolutely no progression as far as labor is concerned. The baby's head is down but not quite into position so I might try some dromedary drops as a way to help the baby move into the right position. I have been watching a Baby's Story on TLC and one of the mid-wives recommended it. I have been having some Braxton-Hicks contractions but nothing serious. She asked me if there was a particular place where I felt the most movement and I had to laugh. RC has always said this baby is going to be a soccer player but I think it might grow up to be a kick boxer the way he moves around. He clearly doesn't feel restricted by his tight surroundings. She is predicting that the baby will move into position closer to the due date and that will finally begin the fun of contractions. I am hoping that the baby arrives closer to August 1. I don't know why - I just think that August is a good month to be born in.

My friend, Jim, came over for a little tandoori bbq yesterday and he helped me assemble the bassinet. It was actually Roti #1's bassinet so it's about nine years old. I threw all the washable parts in the machine but then couldn't figure out for the life of me how to put it back. Together, Jim and I, wreslted with this impossible contraption until after a good half-hour it all clicked and snapped into place. Leave it to baby stuff to make a person feel totally dumb. Tonight, we are getting together with the Crew for dinner and are going to have Chandy install their old infant seats in our cars. I can't believe little Ava is already 10 months old and out-grown her seats. We are very lucky to have so many friends with baby stuff that they don't mind passing down to us. The Guptas just dropped off their crib to us today. Our apartment is starting to take on a whole different shape and decor. It's hard to avoid allthe baby stuff that has infiltrated our space. The second bedroom is definitely Rishi's room already. I am trying to imagine what it will be like when there is an actual human filling up all of these spaces and clothes but it's hard when you can't picture them yet.

Gosh - but in just two more weeks. . . Wo!

All Star Shower

All Star Shower
Originally uploaded by snapshot chandra

Finally posted from pictures from Ranjana's baby shower. It was a ton of fun from what I can tell from the pictures. click to go to flickr

Pre-partum Anxiety about Post-Partum Depression

Week: 38

Weight: 149

Next appointment: July 19


For those who don't know me, I have struggled with depression on and off since I was 8 years old. It was the worst when I was 16, 20, and 25. Two years ago, my sister, RC, and I participated in an event called The Overnight which is a fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. This event along with finding a psychiatrist who has given me tools such as guided imagery and breathing techniques has really changed the way I approach my anxiety and depression. I haven't taken any medication in almost two years and haven't really had a funky mood since last June. The anxiety is still there but so much more manageable that in years past. I think most importantly, it made me realize that mental health is something that has so much stigma associated with it and is never discussed. Since the walk, I have tried to be more vocal about what depression is for me and why it should not make you think any different of me. I think that step has been the biggest contributor to my mental wellness - acceptance of the disorder and a willingness to seek help.

The pregnancy has done some strange things to my mood. Many women have commented that they became irrational and highly emotional when they were pregnant. I kind of went the other way. My sister has even commented at how relaxed and laid back I seem, and if my sister is saying something positive about me - you know its true (little sisters - you know what I am talking about). I have had a few breakdowns and certainly my hypochondriasis has taken hold throughout the pregnancy, but overall, I think I reacted to most things with a much more level head that in years past. I am not sure what has contributed to this: my age - perhaps; my breathing techniques - yah; my abstinence from alcohol (it is a depressant after all); or maybe it is just the realization that there are things that I can change and things that I have to just accept. How does that quote go? "God, grant me the courage to change the things I can and the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." Pregnancy has been an exercise in losing total control over my body. At times, I am so frustrated by it and will likely never do it again but at the same time, in the past I used to get so worked up over medical issues. Now, my attitude has been more of it will resolve itself in due time.

Well, that is - until recently.

The anxiety regarding the birth of the baby is increasing. Throughout the pregnancy, I have worried that something that I did or ate (or didn't eat) is going to mess up my child. Until now, I consoled myself by telling myself that no matter what the baby looked like or cognitive issues that they had, I would love it regardless. This, of course, has not changed. What has changed is my feeling of guilt. I tried to explain this to RC but he said that I was being ridiculous but I think other moms know what I am saying. For nine months, you carry this baby around and you are their only source of protection and sustenance. While my ultrasounds have revealed no abnormalities, things like autism don't show up on a prenatal test. I know, there is no known cause for autism yet so I can't blame myself even if the child DOES have it but what if something I did made him predisposed to it? RC says that we'll just have to wait and see but in the meantime, I can't help but remember that I forgot to take my prenatals half of the time, I never ate my omega-3 pills, and I have had several half-beers on numerous occasions since the middle of 2nd trimester. And I dyed my hair! My vanity over my kid. Surely, nature will have its way of punishing me for that!

A friend recently told me that having a baby really changes your marriage. I thought that this was obvious but then he went on: you and your spouse are married and are living a life. You have ups and downs but you work through them together. Then, after you have a baby, it's like an asshole, drunk roommate moves in to your house. He poops and vomits everywhere, you have constantly pick up after him, and he doesn't have a job so you have to support him! It starts to take a toll on a marriage. I worry if our marriage can handle Dupree from hell.

I am also very nervous about post-partum depression. My diagnosis of MDD makes me predisposed to post-partum depression. I have talked to a few of my friends who are moms and they told me about their experiences with it and it makes me so anxious. These are well-adjusted, normally healthy women - if they were feeling that bad, what is going to be like for me? Throughout the pregnancy, I have been constantly asking RC if he thinks that I should go back into therapy. I have monitored my moods so carefully but now I feel like they are getting out of control again. And because of that I have decided to go back to Dr. G starting Tuesday to make sure that I don't relapse. I have also made decisions about what I should expect from me after the baby is born. I think one of my biggest problems is that I set extremely high expectations for my behavior and then become upset when I can't achieve those expectations. I punish myself for "disappointing others." For example, we are so lucky because there will be a lot of people in our lives that will want to meet Q right away. Normally, I would try two options: 1). push myself to be social when I am screaming on the inside or 2). withdraw entirely and piss off everyone. What I am realizing is that there is a middle ground and I have to find it. Q. is lucky to have so many people wish us well and I don't want to deny him of their love and affection. At the same time, I don't have to try to play hostess to the guests if I am a mental mess. People will understand and if they don't, I will just have to try to apologize to them when I am normal again.

This is also another comforting realization: Many people who experience depression feel like it will never end; I know that it is finite. I guess it is the benefit of having depression for 20 years; you know it is temporary and you just have to get through it. So I am armed. This doesn't mean that I am ready but at least I have a plan.

The Last Suppers

Week: 36
Weight: 148
Next appointment: July 8 (with my therapist)

The baby showers are done. The shopping is almost complete. Now it's just a waiting game. What has been really funny is all of our friends asking us out to dinner for one last meal as R-squared. It has been really fun catching up with friends that I haven't been able to see for sometime. This past week we met up with the Raghavans and this week we will hopefully catch up with the Abadies, Nair/Pillais, Nangia/Raos, and the Crew! I love it!

Meanwhile, RC has continued to kick booty in his Get Healthy Challenge. He's lost 9 lbs which puts our weight within 6 lbs of each other. Hee hee hee!! I have given up on denying myself my sweet tooth. Ice cream every night, bananas foster for dessert, Cinnabon from the mall - I am relishing this.