If isn't already obvious, let me be very clear, Rishi makes my world go around. When I think about him, tears well up in my eyes. Some times when I hold him, I have to restrain myself from squeezing him until he can't breathe. Other times he does some thing new and I think that my heart might actually explode.
Motherhood has been very good to me.
I found a clarity in my thinking throughout my entire pregnancy with Rishi. I was able to freely admit my flaws and am trying to take ownership for my failures. I don't know what it was about having his little person inside of me but each swift kick calmed me further.
When he was born, I was convinced that I was going to have horrible post-partum depression considering my previous history with it. I even paid out of pocket $300/hr to see a psychiatrist who specializes in maternal issues (I only went once). She told me that she highly recommended that I get on meds the last few weeks of my pregnancy and stay on them. My psychiatrist felt the same way but he didn't push it as hard because he knew how much I hated taking them. I decided not to and take my chances.
I was lucky to have a fabulous husband, sister, best-friend, and most importantly, a mother-in-law who held my hand for a whole month after Rishi was born. I was convinced that once all these people left, I would be surely in for the blow that I had been dodging. But instead, I felt calm. Sure - there were moments that I thought I was losing my sh*t but overall, the feeling was calm. All the methods of self-medication I had used in the past couldn't dare compete with this high.
I have been getting a little frustrated and worried about Rishi's cognitive development. He wasn't showing signs of receptive language and I was thinking about maybe getting an Early Intervention Team to take a look at him by 15 months. We have been trying to teach him sign language since he was six months old. Now, I know all the books say that most babies don't start signing until they are a year but I thought that if we started him early, then he would surely catch on. He wasn't. I would make the sign for milk every time I gave him his bottle but he would just laugh and grab the bottle from me. Then, today at lunch my friend was giving her son a bottle of milk and Rishi sat in his high chair staring right at them making the signs. Absolutely amazing.
Not only has he pushed aside my decades long battle with depression, he makes me a better person by teaching me valuable life lessons like patience.
And he's not even 13 months yet.
8.18.2009
8.16.2009
The First Day of School
This is a post that I put on my class blog
I'll admit it - I am a school-junkie. I am a teacher after all. There is a reason that I chose this profession. My fascination with schools started in kindergarten - I loved erasing the chalkboard. My fascination with all things school has continued for the past 26 years (I still love erasing chalkboards).
I joke that I will never stop going to school. My husband thinks that this is an expensive habit.
The first day of school is always an exciting time of year for me. The first day . . .the opportunities . . .the chances for failure . . .it is all waiting on the other side. Most women love splurging on fancy shoes or clothes. Me? I get dizzy when I walk into an OfficeMax. Shopping for school supplies gets me so excited. I used to love coming home and looking at the empty pages in my notebooks and wondering about all the ideas and information that would fill up those pages in a few short months. I loved the smell of new textbooks or looking at the list of names on the inside cover of the people that had the book before me. It was a club - a small group of people that had shared in the experience of possessing Biology textbook 7877383 for one year. I would think about what I was going to wear for a week. What kind of impression did I want to make? It was the first day! You can't take back first impressions. I still remember what I wore on the first day of freshman year. I wore a cotton salwar chameez (a traditional Indian outfit) to school. That made an impression.
As a teacher, I still get excited about the first day. I spent all of last week in my classroom: putting things away, cleaning up the dust, thinking about the students that would soon fill those empty seats. I have really enjoyed the opportunity to get to know some of you through the summer assignments. But putting a face to the name - that's exciting. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time one period ends and another new group of students walk into my classroom. It's those same opportunities, the same desire to make a good impression, as I had when I was on the other side of the desk. "Will my students trust me?" "Will they think I am fair?" "Will I be judgmental with my students?" "How can I give them the respect they deserve?" "Will they do their homework?" "How will I get the respect I deserve?" "How can I make this a rich learning experience?" "What do I wear???"
In seven days, I will know all of your names and faces. The first week of school will be over and we will hit our stride and break into our routines of "school-dom". But until then, I am going to just relish these moments of anticipation, chance, and hope.
~*~
I'll admit it - I am a school-junkie. I am a teacher after all. There is a reason that I chose this profession. My fascination with schools started in kindergarten - I loved erasing the chalkboard. My fascination with all things school has continued for the past 26 years (I still love erasing chalkboards).
I joke that I will never stop going to school. My husband thinks that this is an expensive habit.
The first day of school is always an exciting time of year for me. The first day . . .the opportunities . . .the chances for failure . . .it is all waiting on the other side. Most women love splurging on fancy shoes or clothes. Me? I get dizzy when I walk into an OfficeMax. Shopping for school supplies gets me so excited. I used to love coming home and looking at the empty pages in my notebooks and wondering about all the ideas and information that would fill up those pages in a few short months. I loved the smell of new textbooks or looking at the list of names on the inside cover of the people that had the book before me. It was a club - a small group of people that had shared in the experience of possessing Biology textbook 7877383 for one year. I would think about what I was going to wear for a week. What kind of impression did I want to make? It was the first day! You can't take back first impressions. I still remember what I wore on the first day of freshman year. I wore a cotton salwar chameez (a traditional Indian outfit) to school. That made an impression.
As a teacher, I still get excited about the first day. I spent all of last week in my classroom: putting things away, cleaning up the dust, thinking about the students that would soon fill those empty seats. I have really enjoyed the opportunity to get to know some of you through the summer assignments. But putting a face to the name - that's exciting. I still get butterflies in my stomach every time one period ends and another new group of students walk into my classroom. It's those same opportunities, the same desire to make a good impression, as I had when I was on the other side of the desk. "Will my students trust me?" "Will they think I am fair?" "Will I be judgmental with my students?" "How can I give them the respect they deserve?" "Will they do their homework?" "How will I get the respect I deserve?" "How can I make this a rich learning experience?" "What do I wear???"
In seven days, I will know all of your names and faces. The first week of school will be over and we will hit our stride and break into our routines of "school-dom". But until then, I am going to just relish these moments of anticipation, chance, and hope.
8.07.2009
Nice to Meet You
I realized that I haven't updated in months. This little one is only pre-natally 18 weeks old and already missing out on some of the things that I did for Rishi. I am going to try. . .
Week: 18
Weight: 124
Belly:
Next appointment: August 19 (the 20-week Level II ultrasound)
Almost 1/2 way already? That went by so fast!
Let's talk about some of the things that have been going on with this pregnancy. First, many people have asked if it was planned. RC and I have always thought that we only wanted one biological child. After Rishi was born and seeing that post-partum wasn't as awful as everyone said it was going to be (quite the opposite really), we thought one more would be fun. We didn't want to wait too long because in case I couldn't get pregnant again, we wanted to start the ball rolling in the adoption process quickly. I thought we could start trying again in the summer and have another summer baby. But we've accelerated the schedule by 6 months and that's just fine with us.
Another thing that everyone has been asking is if I hope it's a boy or a girl. We have six nephews and one son. I know the aunts and grandparents really want a girl, but from the get go, I thought it would be fun to have a boy. With Rishi, I always had dreams that he was a boy. I have had many dreams that QT is a boy too - with a few girl dreams here and there. Will I be excited if it's a girl - of course! Will I be thrilled if it's a boy - certainly! The only thing that I am hoping for is a smooth pregnancy experience, 1 trip to L&D, and a healthy baby in the end. Boy or girl - this baby is a gift just like Rishi.
Already this pregnancy is much more smooth than #1 in many ways. The morning (all-day) sickness is not bad. Rishi is a good distraction from all the fatigue that comes with first trimester. I also know what's what when it comes to the aches, pains, and other weirdness that happens with pregnancy so I don't feel like I have to bother Didi or my OB every two seconds. Also, I have transferred my care to a different OB and she isn't as worried about the fibroids or ITP that were such a source of concern with #1.
We have opted NOT to get genetic testing done this time. With #1, I was really torn up about getting genetic testing done. It made me very uncomfortable. RC and I both decided that no matter what the tests would say, we would still love and care for this baby. We are delivering at Prentice Hospital with a great NICU staff so if something is wrong with this baby, then s/he will have the best people with great resources. I would rather just tra-la-la through this pregnancy than to sit up at night thinking about what is waiting for me at the end of the gestation.
One thing that really surprised me with this pregnancy vs. #1 was the horrible moods that I have been. Those who follow the blog know that I have had depression since I was young but I was the complete opposite of depressed at the end of my pregnancy and post-partum. Even when I was back to work and still nursing twice at night, instead of looking at it as a chore, I relished one more moment with Rishi. For the past few months, the exhaustion and hormones have made my emptiness come back in a hurry. At the end of the day, I often lay in bed at night finding no joy in anything in my life. Then, Rishi's smile fills my mind and I feel guilty for feeling that way which just ends in this horrible spiral of thoughts. I am not sure how to get over this in a healthy and productive way but I am trying. RC has been a champ through all of this. I know that I have taken my frustration out on him repeatedly but he has mananged to still keep loving me and hugging me when I am at my craziest. How he does this - I do not know. But as Che always tells me, "Fake it unti you make it." And that's what I have been trying to do.
I have felt terrbily guilty for blaming this baby for my moods and then - a shift last night. RC was out with some friends and I couldn't sleep. I was feeling in one of my more vacant moods. Black. I started to think about QT and his names. We have decided to keep names a secret this time (Side Note: if someone tells you a name that they are thinking about naming their baby, the only good response is "that's a nice name." the parent-to-be doesn't want to hear about how you knew someone named that and they broke your college roommate's heart.), but like last time, we have managed to find a girl name right away and are again stuck on boy names. I dreamily thought of what I would call this potential little-man and then for the first time, a swift kick right where my hand was laying on my stomach. I continued thinking and then a few more kicks. Was QT saying that he's a boy after all? I am not sure, but the blackness that was filling my body became bright again. I smiled genuinely for the first time in a week probably.
Can't wait to meet you little QT. We're going to have a blast.
Week: 18
Weight: 124
Belly:
Next appointment: August 19 (the 20-week Level II ultrasound)
Almost 1/2 way already? That went by so fast!
Let's talk about some of the things that have been going on with this pregnancy. First, many people have asked if it was planned. RC and I have always thought that we only wanted one biological child. After Rishi was born and seeing that post-partum wasn't as awful as everyone said it was going to be (quite the opposite really), we thought one more would be fun. We didn't want to wait too long because in case I couldn't get pregnant again, we wanted to start the ball rolling in the adoption process quickly. I thought we could start trying again in the summer and have another summer baby. But we've accelerated the schedule by 6 months and that's just fine with us.
Another thing that everyone has been asking is if I hope it's a boy or a girl. We have six nephews and one son. I know the aunts and grandparents really want a girl, but from the get go, I thought it would be fun to have a boy. With Rishi, I always had dreams that he was a boy. I have had many dreams that QT is a boy too - with a few girl dreams here and there. Will I be excited if it's a girl - of course! Will I be thrilled if it's a boy - certainly! The only thing that I am hoping for is a smooth pregnancy experience, 1 trip to L&D, and a healthy baby in the end. Boy or girl - this baby is a gift just like Rishi.
Already this pregnancy is much more smooth than #1 in many ways. The morning (all-day) sickness is not bad. Rishi is a good distraction from all the fatigue that comes with first trimester. I also know what's what when it comes to the aches, pains, and other weirdness that happens with pregnancy so I don't feel like I have to bother Didi or my OB every two seconds. Also, I have transferred my care to a different OB and she isn't as worried about the fibroids or ITP that were such a source of concern with #1.
We have opted NOT to get genetic testing done this time. With #1, I was really torn up about getting genetic testing done. It made me very uncomfortable. RC and I both decided that no matter what the tests would say, we would still love and care for this baby. We are delivering at Prentice Hospital with a great NICU staff so if something is wrong with this baby, then s/he will have the best people with great resources. I would rather just tra-la-la through this pregnancy than to sit up at night thinking about what is waiting for me at the end of the gestation.
One thing that really surprised me with this pregnancy vs. #1 was the horrible moods that I have been. Those who follow the blog know that I have had depression since I was young but I was the complete opposite of depressed at the end of my pregnancy and post-partum. Even when I was back to work and still nursing twice at night, instead of looking at it as a chore, I relished one more moment with Rishi. For the past few months, the exhaustion and hormones have made my emptiness come back in a hurry. At the end of the day, I often lay in bed at night finding no joy in anything in my life. Then, Rishi's smile fills my mind and I feel guilty for feeling that way which just ends in this horrible spiral of thoughts. I am not sure how to get over this in a healthy and productive way but I am trying. RC has been a champ through all of this. I know that I have taken my frustration out on him repeatedly but he has mananged to still keep loving me and hugging me when I am at my craziest. How he does this - I do not know. But as Che always tells me, "Fake it unti you make it." And that's what I have been trying to do.
I have felt terrbily guilty for blaming this baby for my moods and then - a shift last night. RC was out with some friends and I couldn't sleep. I was feeling in one of my more vacant moods. Black. I started to think about QT and his names. We have decided to keep names a secret this time (Side Note: if someone tells you a name that they are thinking about naming their baby, the only good response is "that's a nice name." the parent-to-be doesn't want to hear about how you knew someone named that and they broke your college roommate's heart.), but like last time, we have managed to find a girl name right away and are again stuck on boy names. I dreamily thought of what I would call this potential little-man and then for the first time, a swift kick right where my hand was laying on my stomach. I continued thinking and then a few more kicks. Was QT saying that he's a boy after all? I am not sure, but the blackness that was filling my body became bright again. I smiled genuinely for the first time in a week probably.
Can't wait to meet you little QT. We're going to have a blast.
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