WWGS?

What do you do when some one you thought was a friend doesn't consider you a friend?

Recently, I found out that I wasn't invited to someone's wedding. I told myself that I probably wouldn't get the invitation, but when I found out that a more distant acquaintance was invited but I wasn't, I felt (and continue to feel) hurt.

I am not an easy person to live with. I have learned this fact and I have accepted it. As I get older, the more cantankerous parts of who I am just get more irritable. When I was growing up, I was always known as the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister were lively and charming; I was brooding and dramatic.

In high school, I had two best friends and some how that sustained me and I didn't care about what other people thought of me. They were always honest about their feelings about me and didn't hestitate to tell me when I was screwing up.

In college, I raged. I pissed off everyone at some point and hurt the people that were the nicest to me. Today, I recognize that but today is too late to make amends for things I did 15 years ago. I was so manipulative, self-serving, and of course dramatic. Some how, those two friends that I had in high school still remained my friends (probably because they didn't live near me) and I managed to acquire some other friendships along the way. Why those girls forgave me, I don't know but I am grateful for their open hearts.

Then came my 20s. You would think the adolescent idiocy would have ended in college but it didn't. By my mid-20s, no one wanted to live with me and I had to move back to my parents' house. I started to notice that people would talk about events that I wasn't invited to. Was it that they forgot to invite me or is it because they didn't want to deal with the drama that comes with having me around? It made me feel bad but I tried really hard not to let it bother me. But it did. I understood why they weren't inviting me and it made me hate myself that much more.
What ended up happening is I became even more self-concious than I was before and even further socially akward. Making friends became harder and harder. This past Diwali, I was at a friends' house for a party and after making small talk with the aquaintances there, I had a full-blown panic attack because of the anxiety involved in talking to people and trying too hard to make them like me. I had to leave the party in hysterical tears because I couldn't calm myself down. Very embarrassing and guess what? It made me more anxious.

So here we are today. I am once again left out of the group because of who I am. What my personality was and is. I have tried to make amends with people that I have hurt. I try not to be so dramatic when I talk. I try to avoid controversial subjects that make people feel bad. I am trying not to be such a selfish girl. When someone tells me I am doing wrong, I do try to change it but I guess I should try harder. Despite these efforts, I am still a person that people just don't like. This kind of rejection makes the work that I do to overcome my self-loathing really difficult and the only person to blame is me. It's not them. It can't be. The world is made up a variety of people.

So. What Would Greenberg Say? Greenberg is my therapist and he has done wonders to make me feel better about everything. He would say, "So what if this one person doesn't like you? Take a look around and see the people in your life that DON'T reject you. People like RC, whom everybody loves. People like your best friends (yup, from high school) who despite your differences, still care for you. People like your family who have put up with your BS for your whole life long but will still come through for your when you say, 'help'. These are the people that you should worry about."

It's hard to ignore the opinions of the people that reject you. It's easy to look in the mirror and see no worth. Fighting against every natural instinct that I have, I am going to try to not let this get me down. I just wish I knew what I did wrong this time.