With these seven steps. . .

We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. It is sometimes hard to believe that we have been married for five years already. It feels like I was just planning all the chaos of that three-ring circus. But in those five years we have done so much together. We have traveled to India twice, the Dominican Republic twice, Canada, Mexico, Indonesia, and loads of places in the US. We have brought two amazing little boys in this world. We gutted our apartment, then sold it, and then bought a house together. We have cried, laughing, screamed, and loved each other through all of it.

The seven steps (saptapadi) that are part of the Hindu wedding ceremony are symbolic vows that every Hindu couple makes.

Here's what Vivaah.org said:

With God as our guide, let us take :

the first step to nourish each other

the second step to grow together in strength

the third step to preserve our wealth

the fourth step to share our joys and sorrows

the fifth step to care for our children

the sixth step to be together forever

the seventh step to remain lifelong friends,

the perfect halves to make a perfect whole.

I don't think we were ready to make these kinds of commitments when we first got married. These are the things that come with time - time that we have had now.

Recently, I found myself wishing that I could marry the Rohit I know now and that he could marry this version of me. We both have changed so much and almost all of it is for the better. It seems that every year of marriage has been defined by a specific set of challenges that we have to work through.

2005-2006 Obviously year one is all about learning to live with each other. Our very first argument was about where to put our laundry hamper (bedroom or closet). We learned about compromise something that neither of us were good at (and still struggle with today). Rohit learned that I need to have order in the house to reduce my anxiety; I learned that he needs 20 minutes when he comes home from work to just wander around the house before I start talking to him. Both of us learned to never get into a serious discussion in the morning because we both hate early mornings. I remember at some point during the year, we were in a deep argument and I thought to myself, "omigod. This is it. There is no breaking up. We're MARRIED for LIFE. I am never going to leave this man; he will never leave me. We can either suck it up and compromise or just make each other miserable for the rest of our lives." Divorce, a necessary option for some folks, just wasn't even on the radar for us. We decided to stick it out and compromise - which is something that we are still working on how to do well.

2006-2007 Year two was learning to live with the in-laws. I learned that RC is not the type of husband that will always come to my defense with his family. I also learned that I am okay with that because I can talk for myself. RC's family has been an incredible support to us the entire time we have been together but as with all in-laws there have been things that are different from my family to his. I started to talk to his mom and sister freely as though they were actually my blood and life became much less stressful. By the end of the second year of marriage, I took a two week trip through China with my mother-in-law and it was great! I have friends who have stronger relationships with their in-laws but most who know us are surprised how easily our families blend together.

2007-2008 The third year was when we learned how to be parents. We got pregnant and we learned that we are even more different that we originally thought. Where I am high-anxiety and list-making, he is completely laid-back and casual. I got over having to wait for him to build things; I just started to do things on my own. But then he actually started doing things ahead of time because he could see how anxious it was making me. My first pregnancy was a tough one. I was originally considered high-risk and was constantly having ultrasounds, blood tests, and various other poking and prodding. Then there was The Sick. The Constant Sick. RC totally stepped up and was the doting-dad-to-be. I don't give him enough credit for what I put him through when I am pregnant, but he does everything.

2008-2009 We really became a family with the addition of Q to our lives. He made us work together as a team to raise him. One thing that is essential to any relationship is communication. I think after years of being together, we forgot that we needed to talk to each other more. All of the sudden, it was, "Do we Ferberize or go with the Pantley-method" "Should we feed him kichidi everyday or can we do pasta now?" "Who is picking him up, putting him down, feeding him, etc?" My friend once forwarded me this email about a fake show called "Daddy Survivor" in which a dad would be dropped on island with their kids and have to take care of all the household responsibilities. When I got that email, I immediately forwarded it to RC and said, "Thanks for all that you do." Our division of labor really is pretty even in the house. This is not to say that we don't score-keep all the things that we are responsible for. That's just in the heat of the moment. I think when we really think about our household, there is so much that the other person deals with. When we got pregnant again, it further reinforced our Team. A Brand New Colony.

2009-2010 This is the year that we became friends. Really good friends. I don't know what else to say but I think now more than ever, we really enjoy each other's company. This is not to say that he doesn't make me crazy and vice versa. I think many people think that we are on the verge of separation the way we fight but they don't know that that we make each other laugh a lot, that we discuss current events when we are sit down to dinner, that we share books with each other, that we glow when we look at our kids play and at the end of the almost everyday, we hold hands in bed to fall asleep.

We fight and when we fight it's a tough go. I always thought people who said it just gets better the longer you're married were sentimental and slightly crazy. But five years later, I am even happier that I married him than our wedding day.