Pre-partum Anxiety about Post-Partum Depression

Week: 38

Weight: 149

Next appointment: July 19


For those who don't know me, I have struggled with depression on and off since I was 8 years old. It was the worst when I was 16, 20, and 25. Two years ago, my sister, RC, and I participated in an event called The Overnight which is a fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. This event along with finding a psychiatrist who has given me tools such as guided imagery and breathing techniques has really changed the way I approach my anxiety and depression. I haven't taken any medication in almost two years and haven't really had a funky mood since last June. The anxiety is still there but so much more manageable that in years past. I think most importantly, it made me realize that mental health is something that has so much stigma associated with it and is never discussed. Since the walk, I have tried to be more vocal about what depression is for me and why it should not make you think any different of me. I think that step has been the biggest contributor to my mental wellness - acceptance of the disorder and a willingness to seek help.

The pregnancy has done some strange things to my mood. Many women have commented that they became irrational and highly emotional when they were pregnant. I kind of went the other way. My sister has even commented at how relaxed and laid back I seem, and if my sister is saying something positive about me - you know its true (little sisters - you know what I am talking about). I have had a few breakdowns and certainly my hypochondriasis has taken hold throughout the pregnancy, but overall, I think I reacted to most things with a much more level head that in years past. I am not sure what has contributed to this: my age - perhaps; my breathing techniques - yah; my abstinence from alcohol (it is a depressant after all); or maybe it is just the realization that there are things that I can change and things that I have to just accept. How does that quote go? "God, grant me the courage to change the things I can and the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." Pregnancy has been an exercise in losing total control over my body. At times, I am so frustrated by it and will likely never do it again but at the same time, in the past I used to get so worked up over medical issues. Now, my attitude has been more of it will resolve itself in due time.

Well, that is - until recently.

The anxiety regarding the birth of the baby is increasing. Throughout the pregnancy, I have worried that something that I did or ate (or didn't eat) is going to mess up my child. Until now, I consoled myself by telling myself that no matter what the baby looked like or cognitive issues that they had, I would love it regardless. This, of course, has not changed. What has changed is my feeling of guilt. I tried to explain this to RC but he said that I was being ridiculous but I think other moms know what I am saying. For nine months, you carry this baby around and you are their only source of protection and sustenance. While my ultrasounds have revealed no abnormalities, things like autism don't show up on a prenatal test. I know, there is no known cause for autism yet so I can't blame myself even if the child DOES have it but what if something I did made him predisposed to it? RC says that we'll just have to wait and see but in the meantime, I can't help but remember that I forgot to take my prenatals half of the time, I never ate my omega-3 pills, and I have had several half-beers on numerous occasions since the middle of 2nd trimester. And I dyed my hair! My vanity over my kid. Surely, nature will have its way of punishing me for that!

A friend recently told me that having a baby really changes your marriage. I thought that this was obvious but then he went on: you and your spouse are married and are living a life. You have ups and downs but you work through them together. Then, after you have a baby, it's like an asshole, drunk roommate moves in to your house. He poops and vomits everywhere, you have constantly pick up after him, and he doesn't have a job so you have to support him! It starts to take a toll on a marriage. I worry if our marriage can handle Dupree from hell.

I am also very nervous about post-partum depression. My diagnosis of MDD makes me predisposed to post-partum depression. I have talked to a few of my friends who are moms and they told me about their experiences with it and it makes me so anxious. These are well-adjusted, normally healthy women - if they were feeling that bad, what is going to be like for me? Throughout the pregnancy, I have been constantly asking RC if he thinks that I should go back into therapy. I have monitored my moods so carefully but now I feel like they are getting out of control again. And because of that I have decided to go back to Dr. G starting Tuesday to make sure that I don't relapse. I have also made decisions about what I should expect from me after the baby is born. I think one of my biggest problems is that I set extremely high expectations for my behavior and then become upset when I can't achieve those expectations. I punish myself for "disappointing others." For example, we are so lucky because there will be a lot of people in our lives that will want to meet Q right away. Normally, I would try two options: 1). push myself to be social when I am screaming on the inside or 2). withdraw entirely and piss off everyone. What I am realizing is that there is a middle ground and I have to find it. Q. is lucky to have so many people wish us well and I don't want to deny him of their love and affection. At the same time, I don't have to try to play hostess to the guests if I am a mental mess. People will understand and if they don't, I will just have to try to apologize to them when I am normal again.

This is also another comforting realization: Many people who experience depression feel like it will never end; I know that it is finite. I guess it is the benefit of having depression for 20 years; you know it is temporary and you just have to get through it. So I am armed. This doesn't mean that I am ready but at least I have a plan.